Understanding Co-Regulation and Self-Regulation in Children
By Jessica Jordan, MS. OTR/L
What Is Co-Regulation?
One of the biggest requests I receive as a school-based therapist isn’t just about handwriting—it’s most often about emotional regulation or a child’s ability to “self-regulate.”
What I’ve come to learn—especially as a parent of two young children—is that self-regulation is not only an unrealistic expectation for preschoolers and elementary-aged kids, but it’s a developmental skill that needs to be taught and supported, just like dressing, riding a bike, or learning to sleep independently.
Why Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation
Self-regulation requires higher-level thinking and draws on brain regions that aren’t fully developed yet (inherent awareness and reflection).
According to the OTFC Group (n.d.), co-regulation refers to the social relationships and the way we adjust ourselves when interacting with others to maintain a regulated state.
And here’s the thing: as parents, caregivers, learning coaches, and teachers, we’re co-regulating all the time—often without even realizing it. Every time we take a walk to reset, chew gum to help us focus, breathe deeply, or pet a furry animal, we’re modeling regulation strategies our children can absorb and learn from.
How Co-Regulation Shapes Emotional Growth
Co-regulation is an interactive process, and it’s powerful. It lays the foundation for emotional safety and long-term growth.
When I think back on co-regulation moments with my daughter, I’m struck by how early they began. On the day Ellie Mae was born, I was already modeling co-regulation as I held her to my chest, softly sang, and gently stroked her back.
Co-regulation helps ground our children’s nervous systems, organize their thoughts, and offer connection and safety—especially in moments of overwhelm.
Of course, one of the hardest parts of co-regulation is doing it in real-time, especially when we ourselves are dysregulated. But that’s where the modeling begins. Our ability to stay steady creates the scaffolding they need to develop emotional skills over time.
You can’t expect a child to “have a calm body” (a phrase I hear often at school sites) unless we, the adults, are consistently showing them what calm looks and feels like.
4 Simple Co-Regulation Strategies to Try
Here are a few of my favorite tips to help model co-regulation:
Assess the Environment & Create a New Scene
For me, this often means gently removing my daughter (or a student) from the current space (when it’s safe to do so) and offering a smaller, more structured environment with controlled sensory input (i.e., dim lighting, soft sounds, minimal visual distractions).
Label Language and Acknowledge Emotions
Often, my daughter will blurt out the trigger (like “Ellie stole my toy!”), but she can’t always name the feeling underneath.
That’s my cue. I gently reflect what I see with calm, clear language: “It looks like you’re upset that Ellie stole your toy. I can see how that would make you mad.”
Less language is more, especially for our little ones. Tone and volume matter more than words.
Check In on your Nervous System
It is important to check in on your own nervous system regulation. Let’s go back to my example. In this situation, maybe I already feel agitation creeping in—especially if she’s still crying after I’ve labeled the feeling. But this is when I remind myself that I’m her anchor. She can’t regulate alone right now, so I get to be the steady one.
Body awareness matters here. Am I offering a warm presence? Maybe that’s a hug, holding her hand, sitting nearby, or a light hand on her back.
Sometimes, it’s just quiet, supportive stillness. Remember: not everything needs words. We all need space to reset.
Prompt Strategies and Offer Choices
Once my child has had a moment to settle, I offer choices or co-create a solution.
That might sound like:
“Let’s offer Ellie another toy to play with or take turns if you’re ready.”
Or, if my child is still dysregulated: “Your body still looks mad to me because of what happened. Let’s take a few deep breaths together—or maybe go outside and look for bugs.”
As an OT, I know we regulate best when our sensory needs are being supported.
Final Thoughts on Co-Regulation
So this is your reminder to fill your own sensory cup, too.
Let me know below if you have any favorite co-regulation strategies that have worked for you and your family. I’d love to hear what’s supporting your connection.
Sources
Fogel, A. & Garvey, A. (2007). Alive Communications. Infant Behavior & Development, 30, 251-257
OTFC Group. (n.d.). “What is Co-Regulation?” https://otfcgroup.com.au/what-is-co-regulation
Helpful Links
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